Ok, so Emma has developed this theory that will ruin my ability to behave normally in public spaces. According to Emma, you can find out almost as much about a British woman simply by examining her handbag as you would by spending several hours stalking her on Instagram, which i have obviously never done – although i’m aware of the potential. We were in line at an upscale coffee shop in Shoreditch, naturally, when Emma casually gestured toward a woman holding a tan Michael Kors bag complete with gold accents that clink together whenever she moves. “i’ll bet you five pounds she’s from Surrey,” Emma said quietly, “drives a pricey but sensible car, has children with posh names and her husband is a banker.” i raised my eyebrows so far up i could have given myself a concussion; however, shortly thereafter the woman answered her cell phone and stated, “Tell Archie i’ll come to pick him up after Isabelle’s piano lesson.”
Wow. What are the chances?!
At that point, i became a handbag detective ; although i wouldn’t claim it sounds nearly as cool as it likely does. Today, i spend roughly half my time attending fashion events or simply riding the Tube attempting to decipher people’s entire backgrounds based upon what they’re carrying. And honestly?! It works far too often for my comfort.
Let’s begin with the Mulberry bayswater woman, because she is ubiquitous in london and has this particular aura surrounding her. At some point around 2008 everyone was obsessed with that bag, and presumably she spent a small fortune on it and has been meticulously caring for it as if it were a vintage automobile ever since. She is currently likely in her late thirties, formerly worked a stressful corporate job but transitioned to part-time after she had children and now spends her non-working time taking her children to museums, organic farmers’ markets, etc. Lives in a hip family neighborhood such as Clapham or Richmond, drives a Volvo (it is both practical and expensive) and uses classic colors for the bag (black, tan or that deep red color). Although she may dabble in trendier choices at times, she returns to the Mulberry bag as if it is a security blanket.
Now let’s consider the micro-bag girl. Honestly, i have feelings regarding this decision. Her bag is literally incapable of holding anything of value ; and i am talking about smaller than many phones. She is either 23 years old working at a trendy PR firm or 35 years old working in the fashion industry and has achieved this unattainable level of minimalism that makes me appear to be a slob. Regardless, she appears to masterfully project the illusion of effortless chic while experiencing daily inconvenience due to lack of space to hold essentials (where are her keys? Wallet? Emergency lip balm?) as evidenced by my experience using the micro-bag option last summer. In one week alone i left my debit card at three separate establishments.
Some of us require to carry items.
Canvas totes create their own universe of social signaling. The plain canvas tote woman is projecting this performance of “i am so intellectually advanced that i do not concern myself with fashion” ; which is itself a form of fashion statement when considering the concept. She possesses a creative occupation (likely within publishing or curation of art), resides in a home filled with plants and mid-century modern furnishings whose designers she can identify. That tote undoubtedly contains a novel written by someone who recently received a significant literary award, a reusable coffee mug that is indeed being utilized (contrary to the collection of dusty mugs collecting cobwebs in my kitchen), and likely some type of fermented food item i have never encountered before.
However, the branded tote woman is engaged in an entirely different game. The New Yorker tote? She wants you to believe she reads the magazine cover-to-cover ; whereas in reality she merely appreciates the aesthetics. The daunt books tote specifically purchased from the Marylebone store? She desires you to understand she purchases products from the original store (not some secondary location).
No judgments here ; i personally possess four distinct literary festival bags which i alternate depending on the region of london i intend to visit ; we are all performing in some manner through accessories; some performances are merely more apparent than others.
Anthropologically-speaking designer bags become truly fascinating. The owner of the Chanel quilted bag is rarely the wealthiest individual in the room ; rather she is typically the person who saved longer for her “investment piece.” Presumably she possesses a detailed document outlining cost-per-use (currently $5.22 and decreasing), treats this bag with greater reverence than most individuals treat their pets and holds strongly-formed views regarding how the brand has declined since Karl passed. Will unquestionably share these sentiments with you after consuming two glasses of prosecco at any company event.
The bottega veneta cassette girl is an entirely new species. She operates at somewhere near-coolness level of intimidation such as net-a-porter or as a representative of luxury goods companies, resides in a converted warehouse in East London that has surely been photographed for Architectural Digest, and wears minimalist Scandinavian clothing i have not previously seen but will soon see everywhere next season. Has her hair styled by one of those unmarked salons that charges more than my rent, consumes only natural wines, and exhibits precisely the same level of expense-but-effortlessness that renders the majority of us as appearing to be overexerting ourselves.
The Celine devotee ; and yes, she will correct you if you mispronounce the accent ; remains grief-stricken over the loss of Phoebe philo era and ensures everyone understands her bag is “when Phoebe was still employed.” Works in design related field, resides in North London, holds extreme views concerning typography, and her flat contains only one notable example of statement furniture that exceeded the price of a reasonable used vehicle.
In contrast, the Louis Vuitton Neverfull woman is effectively sustaining an entire metropolis. She manages to simultaneously maintain a high-pressure sales position along with an equally challenging social calendar ; and that large bag contains all the answers to everyone else’s problems ; additional phone chargers, acetaminophen, safety pins, snacks (presumably), receipts for the past six months of her existence. Organizes company Christmas parties, arranges hens’ weekends, always knows the ideal restaurant for whatever reason exists, and regularly receives professional hair blowouts.
Her bag must be gigantic because she essentially carries around a portable life support unit.
The Loewe Puzzle owner is the dark horse that no one expects. Appears reserved and subtle, employs technology or banking/finance/etc., travels to places i have never heard of prior to returning with tales of forming friendships with local artists or discovering obscure jazz clubs. Would love to dislike her for being impossibly fashionable but can’t because she remembers your birthday and provides presents that happen to be exactly what you did not realize you required.
Vintage designer bag owners are my tribe ; even though i frequently lose bidding wars with unknown eBay accountants whom i suspect are actually disguised as museum fashion departments. Spent hours scouring Vestiaire Collective; can explain down to the exact season and origins of her ‘90s Fendi Baguette or ‘70s Gucci bamboo handle; experiences genuine emotion regarding specific archival examples. Works in fashion or desperately wishes to; knows more about historical runway than most published fashion writers; resides amidst towering piles of magazine archives which are certainly hazardous fires awaiting ignition but refuses to discard any.
High street bags also communicate their own narratives. A Mango or cos usually indicates university professor or worker within media; resides in gentrifying South London district; wears excellent glasses along with striking jewelry from indie designers she came across on Instagram.
River Island or deceased Topshop indicate someone under thirty-five years old; first or second real job; sharing flat in zone four; carefully investigating potential future purchase of designer bags with degree of fervor comparable to writing doctoral dissertation.
Perhaps the most frightening class is the no-bag woman. How does she survive without simply possessing telephone and credit cards in her pockets? Where are her keys? Lipstick? Emergency rations? This woman has transcended typical human concerns regarding preparing oneself for each conceivable contingency ; and thus is either incredibly enlightened or potentially not human. Keeping my options open.
Revisiting my handbag history is equivalent to reviewing my personal development timeline ; fake designer bag from Camden market at sixteen (aspirational/broke); large Cath Kidston tote during university years (quirky/eccentric/English-rose-y); structured work handbag at initial employment (attempting professionalism despite having no idea what i was doing); succession of increasingly expensive but still not designer bags through my twenties (financially questionable/fashion adjacent). Currently i utilize this rotating system ; one luxury handbag for important meetings; one practical handbag for everyday use; approximately fifteen canvas totes from various events which i am unable to discard because they are “may be useful someday”.
What would Emma deduce from my handbag collection? Likely that i am still developing identity; still determining balance between practicality & aspiration; still creating version of self as presented to world. Which feels honest.
This whole handbag anthropology phenomenon is what fascinates me ; it isn’t necessarily about wealth or status or even about being knowledgeable in regards to fashion. It is about how we decide to present ourselves in this world; what we determine is worthy enough to transport with us every single day; what tale we wish to convey regarding ourselves through these bizarre functional devices we’ve all collectively concluded are vital.
Next time you’re standing in another Pret queue (because half of london spends their lives at Pret) glance at the bags around you. Each one reflects someone’s unique biography/history/background/aspirations/anxieties concerning running out of lip balm/or lacking adequate charging cables when their telephone dies. Simply attempt not to gawk too obviously ; or you’ll be similar to me last week admiring someone’s Gucci handbag while secretly validating whether or not i’d correctly identified the profile: women who carry these specific styles.
